Even though the song ‘let it go’ from the frozen soundtrack drives me absolutely insane, theres something undeniably powerful
about the message beneath the lyrics.

It sounds so simple, yet many of us struggle with just ‘letting tings go’ and moving on with life. We become so hung up on
the small unimportant aspect of life that sometimes we completely wander from our values,beliefs and individuality. At the
end of the day to stop this negative action all we need to do is call it quits and say goodbye to stuff that reels us away
from the deep meaningful and with substance shit.

When you get lost, go back to your roots, what you know, what you love and what is right. Go back to the time when you were
you without labels, without explanation and most importantly without social pressure. It’s so hard to see the road when its
dark with no streetlamps, but you gotta look hard for the lines and where they lead you. Breathe, sit tight, relax, focus
and enjoy the moment. stop the worry stop the unknowing fear, the blindness, the confusion, the judgement and most importantly
stop being a sheep. Be a lone wolf. A strong lone wolf. Stand up to what you believe in, and own it. All day everyday. Amen.

So really and truly, how much do you really deeply care about others? How genuine are you in your responses, how well do you listen to their sometimes boring as hell babble, and are you not secretly wishing they would just zip it?

The thing is, we are mostly all guilty of giving a non-authentic generic answer such as “I’m good, you?” and not actually giving a single shit about their response at the end of the day, yeah?

So how the heck can we become so uptight about them, how much they care about us, how ‘fake’ they are, how much time and effort they put into us… etc, etc. It doesn’t add up but yet we are so stuck in our ways of being self centered that it becomes the norm to text and have a conversation with someone. Can anyone really actually multitask though?! Hmmmm….

I challenge myself with this, if I actually want certain people to care about how I feel, then I need to do the exact same thing and start taking responsibility for me, THEN worry about how they treat me. Sometimes the bigger picture is really not focusing on how other people act, it is actually about focusing on yourself, then you will find that others suit, and in turn they will treat you better. Win-Win situation isn’t it??

It definitely has been a cold hard war with OCD, a war that fails to end until I call it quits.  Mind you, OCD is never utterly bad, looking at it with the glass half full it can almost be a blessing in disguise. That’s if you can control it, and make it work for you, without it turning your mind inside out. For me there has been no resistance from OCD, until now, because i’ve learnt to outsmart it. See the power of OCD is so freaken strong that it causes our mind to go into overdrive.  We overthink, overlook and fail to focus on how to end a task successfully.

I figure that OCD IS IN FACT perfectionism. Really, think about it. So, here’s the deal…PERFECTIONISM = You never do things good enough. So your’e mind figures, “okay do it again, right this time.”

This clicked for me in my recent OCD case. I’ve recently been motivated to become a minimalist when it comes to my wardrobe, ironically to pull out from my last OCD behaviour of shopping addiction. It’s almost as if the OCD behaviour jumps as you jump.  Anyway, I have been downsizing my wardrobe BIG TIME, which is fantastic, until it became overwhelming, stressful, mind numbing and confusing. For me the issues were… 1. TOO many clothes (half of which I never wear) and 2. clothes that are too immature for me and ressemble a 15 year old.

Now I had great reason to carry out this downsize, it’s completely legit. It was a genius idea in my mind, and perfectly suited my wants and needs. I ended up with shitloads more space, and a closet that I am gradually becoming more in love with each day. So what’s the problem? Nothing, now that I have stopped the OCD dead in its tracks. Everything is as sweet as sugar because I can go into my closet and know I have items in it that I absolutely love and now I don’t spend hours on end finding the ‘perfect outfit.’

It sounds ridiculous, but the journey for this was overwhelming as hell. It was like, wake up in the morning and think about what I need to get rid of, come home from work and do the same process over again because it didn’t feel complete. This went on for weeks, and I felt compelled to continue this process.  So… how did I stop? Well I told myself in my head that I did a damn good job, and that’s enough. What an answer, don’t you think?! Yes, its hilarious how simply I needed to put it to reassure myself, but at the time I didn’t see the sense in that.

Because I’m a damn perfectionist! The whole world could applaud me, but it’s not okay until I say so. So that’s where I need a bucket of cold water on my head, to give myself a reality check that ACTUALLY that’s enough now.

So yes, at the end of the day it’s a blessing in disguise if you choose it to be. You do things thoroughly and effectively- but only if you have a plan and you know your limits and when its time to call it quits.

“Food = comfort, stress release, excitement, flavour, adventure, romance, culture”… Radilaadeda.

Yeaaahhh… But, what about… food=sickness, depression, lack of energy, crappy skin, dehydration and calories.

Unfortunately these two lists don’t intertwine… and unfortunately most people would call bullshit on list 2 (including me) with a shrug of the shoulders.

So you go to a flash restaurant, all excited, in your new dress. While you may have a blast during this experience, what about after, was it all worth it? Did you eat 2 humongous plates of mains, followed by a scrummy  bowl of something that resembles a large chocolate mountain? If you went to the restaurant and back feeling like a million bucks the whole time, with no regrets then honestly don’t waste your time reading this! However, if you make food choices that you constantly regret then maybe you can relate to me.

Now to set the record straight this isn’t over a few calories gained through binge eating, although that’s an aspect of it. It’s about the bigger picture for me, when I eat it affects me deeper, both mentally and physically. See I can eat too much of the good stuff and end up with bed ridden stomach pain, a shitty mindset or the feeling of complete dehydration inside and out. If your are thinking ‘whatevers’ at this point then that’s cool, that’s your opinion, but feeling like shit isn’t good enough in my eyes.

I read in an article at one point this year that food should = fuel. That is one of the most inspirational lines that I have ever laid my eyes upon regarding food, because when you think about it, its so damn true! But the sad thing is society (for the most part) doesn’t have this particular mindset. I am an un-proud former sheep too, so of course I could have never agreed on this. But now I do, and I am happy as hell that I can see this perspective for myself.

So where to next? Everyone eats differently, breakfast-dinner,  and needs different food requirements based on their individual DNA. No one body is the same, therefore there is no one size fits all approach. There might be an energy tonic that everyone raves about, but makes you konk out from. You need to find what’s best for you and generally there’s no magic solution to do this, you really need to get on board with a whole lot of trial and error to successfully determine your own eating plan that you are happy with.

I looked in the mirror but couldn’t recognize this girl anymore. I don’t know where it all started, whether it was the bullies, the booze, the joint or lying on my back every weekend. I guess in the end they all link up, despite where it all started. I hated my life, but loved the attention, the zero responsibility, the freeness and the escape that I found. It was never real, but I still felt overwhelmed with emotions, like I was living and feeling everything at once. I was in a fantasy land that I created, but even though I created it, I didn’t know the chick that came along for the ride, who talked my talk and acted in my body. 

In the end it all had to stop, I had to wake up and come back to reality. Be a grown up, be responsible and live life normally, but this was easier said then done. I was so caught up in Narnia that I couldn’t find the door back into the wardrobe where it all started. Consequences were consequences and as real as they were in reality, in my fantasy land they could be blocked with a big bottle of booze or a night with a stranger. 

I shoved all my emotions in Pandora’s box,  that was the best way to feel nothing, see nothing and hear nothing. If there was nothing there, then I did not have to deal with anything did I. 

That’s the timeline of depression isn’t it? You feel secretly overwhelmed, frustrated, pissed off, stressed or simply tired. Then one thing after another adds to the pile, until its too late and the pot boils over. Everyone is too busy to slow down, and know when to stop. We are all too proud to admit we aren’t coping, because then we would be failures in our own and other peoples eyes. Anyway that’s how I saw it. I’ve always been to stubborn to admit that I need help, which makes me independent, but also makes me lonely. 

It’s been 9+ years now and still counting. It gets easier each day, but ten steps forward can easily equal ten steps back. I still have blindness in my life, EVERYDAY, but I am grateful to see the world and what it really is.  To start to understand that it is real, but what it was in the past definitely wasn’t.